The Guard's New Rules
by TheHunter9
Summary: I know this has been done a hundred and one times before, but I couldn't resist. Aro Caius and Marcus make a list of things the guard are not allowed to do ever again.
1. The List

**I actually do not know how this came about.**

1. Santiago is not to be named "Speedy Gonzalez" no matter how similar their accents are.

2. Calling the twins "The Fourteen Year Old Hormone Bombs" will encourage bomb-like reactions.

3. Alec is not to be taken to a strip club for "education".

4. Felix cannot announce to the world that the female guard are his groupies.

5. Chelsea cannot make Marcus madly in love with Caius for kicks. Athenodora will rip off valuble parts from anyone who comes on to her husband.

6. It isn't okay for Afton to wear Chelsea's high heels out of "curiosity".

7. Felix cannot adopt a werewolf as a pet and hide it in his room. Felix must also send an apology note to the Cullens for kidnapping Seth.

8. After Seth is sent back to La Push, Felix cannot "rebound" by locking Alec in a cage and feeding him dog biscuits.

9. Jane is not allowed to kidnap Renesmee Cullen for ransom.

10. Corin and Heidi cannot race the Volturi's jet planes around Europe.

11. Santiago/Felix/Demetri/Afton cannot download porn and blame it on Alec.

12. Chelsea cannot "hang Afton up like a christmas decoration" for downloading porn and blaming it on Alec.

13. The twins cannot Fed Ex any member of the guard to Forks in exchange for Alice/Edward/Bella.

14. Demetri cannot make fun of anyone for crying at Marley and Me. He cried too. Admit it.

15. Alec cannot eat a hamburger to "see what happens".

16. Heidi cannot dye Renata's hair blue, though the colour may suit her.

17. Anyone who dares call Caius and Marcus "Aro's Bitches" had better be flame proof.

18. No one is to send Jane and/or Alec up to Chelsea and Afton's room during their "alone" time just to video their reactions for the internet.

19. Felix cannot paint "Pimpmobile" on the side of the Volturi's private stretch limo.

20. No matter how fun it may be, the guard cannot go to Romania to rave and vandalise.

21. Or Forks.

22. Jane cannot get Alec to knock out Aro so she can put makeup on him, then let him walk around like a drag queen all day. It isn't funny.

23. Santiago cannot give each guard member a nickname and sew it to their cloaks without telling them.

24. Re-enacting Sweeney Todd's bakery methods will never end well.

25. Afton cannot force Alec and Santiago to make a dance video with him. It won't end well.

26. Demetri cannot track the bugs in the castle. It doesn't do his mind any good.

27. Felix cannot run around with bug repellent to make Demetri scream.

28. Alec cannot go skateboarding around the Volterra roofs

29. Felix cannot give the Twins The Talk. Not only will it get him hurt, they already know everything (see points 4 and 18).

30. Santiago cannot "drop in" on the Cullens for a friendly visit whenever he's bored. He scares them to death.

31. Heidi can't put Alec up for adoption no matter what he did in her room.

32. Jane cannot be "traded" for Seth.

33. Nor can she be exchanged for Alice.

34. "Dress like prostitutes" is not a national holiday. Nor can it be made into a national holiday.

35. Renata cannot advertise Corin as a stripper, despite what Corin will do for a cookie.

"There!" Said Aro, a ring gleeful finalty in his voice.

"Do you really think this will curb their behavior?" Marcus droned.

Caius snorted. Aro scowled at their lack of enthusiasm. He was about to pin the list up in the great hall, when voices reached his ears.

"Guys, GUYS!" Alec yelled. "Today is Hug a Vegetarian day!"

"Everyone to the jet! We're off to Cullen Country!" Heidi squealed.

"Yay! Esme promised me some rock cakes the last time I was there," Santiago said happily.

The three leaders stood there, eyes wide.

Caius sighed. "Give me that list," he grumbled.

"What are you writing?"

Caius spoke aloud as he scribbled. "When Santiago gets sick from eating Esme's rock cakes he is not allowed inside the house."


	2. Felix's Faux Pas

**I wasn't gonna do any more of this, but I couldn't resist!**

***POINTS 7 AND 8* **

"FELIX!" Caius bellowed. "How DARE you release this disgusting creature in our home!"

Seth, who was wearing a collar and leash as well as a frightened expression, felt mildly offended at being called disgusting, but was really much more afraid of the white haired vampire who was waving his arms around crazily and screaming abuse at the monstrosity of a vampire who'd brought him here.

"I didn't release him," Felix whined. "He got out of his cage!"

Marcus shook his head slowly, looking mildly disdainful. Aro was pacing worriedly, throwing anxious glances at the dizzy young werewolf.

"You belong to the Cullen's, do you not?" Aro asked. Seth nodded.

"Yes sir."

Demetri and Alec were busting up in silent fits of laughter behind Caius, who was still ranting furiously though no one was listening anymore. Poor Caius. Demetri was the one who'd found Seth wandering around the castle, very lost and very worried.

Aro sighed. "I suppose we'd best send you back as soon as possible, to avoid an _incident_," his voice went hushed and sombre and shameful when he said the word "incident", like it was some filthy swearword.

Seth perked up instanly knowing now that he was able to go home. He grinned his trademark cheerful grin, though he eyed Felix warily, who looked mighty depressed.

"Felix," Aro said sharply. Felix cringed. "I want you to write a letter of apology to the Cullens for kidnapping their pet. Heidi, prepare Seth for travel. He is departing immediately."

And with that everyone but Felix, Alec and Demetri exited the room. Demetri and Alec were still snickering quietly. Felix threw a glance at them, wounded. Demetri sighed.

"I'm leaving, Heidi might need some...help," he licked his lips and disappeared. Alec shuddered.

Felix eyed the boy creepily. Alec looked worried.

"What?" He asked.

Felix grinned.

"Guys!" Seth gasped as he burst in through the Cullen's door. He was greeted by calls of his name and sighs of relief.

"Seth! What _happened_ to you?" Alice cried. "You've been gone for days!"

"One of the Volturi kidnapped me and put me on a leash and fed me dog food!" Seth yelped. He was met by wide blinking eyes.

Rosalie broke the silence by bursting into manic laughter.

"Alec what's another word for 'sorry'? I've used it a lot already," Felix's brow was furrowed in concentration as he scribbled rapidly.

"I don't know and I don't CARE!" Alec bawled. "LET ME OUT!"

Felix sighed deeply and placed his pen down. "Alec, I'm rebounding. The least you can do is be understanding and nice about it," he said solemnly.

Alec howled and rattled the bars of his little cage furiously.

"Here," said Felix, stuffing several bone-shaped biscuits into Alec's mouth to shut him up.

Later on that same evening when Heidi returned with dinner, Aro peered around the room.

"Where on earth is young Alec?" He asked. "He's always the first in, whining to be fed!"

A look of horror crossed Felix's face. "Oh shit!" He yelled as he bolted from the room. "I forgot to give him fresh water!"

**Voila! Or whatever. Review, and request whatever points you want expanded upon!**


	3. He Who Will Not Be Laid

**As per request from " lyzette" (hope I spelt your name right there!) here is point 3! Tra laaaaaa! **

**Oh, and for the record, in this fic vampires can get drunk by drinking drunk blood. Problem?**

**POINT 3**

Alec was sitting curled up in his bedroom reading a new book. He loved the smell of new books, so fresh and clean. Not at all like the dusty supposedly precious ancient leather-bound books that were apparently NOT meant to be used for building a life-sized fort big enough for one little vampire such as himself, but not so big that Santiago could invite himself inside and bring the entire thing crumbling down on top of them both.

Alec had just flicked the page over when Felix and Afton burst unexpectedly through his bedroom door, as vampires often tended to do. Apparently, it was safer than bowling into Jane's room without invitation.

Alec sighed over his intruders and placed his book in his lap.

"Whatcha doin'?" Felix grinned impishly. Alec leaned backwards away from Felix. He'd all but recovered from his spell in the cage, but was now quite wary of the vampire that was three times his size. (But then again, wouldn't anyone be nervous of a huge bloodsucking monster three times bigger than them?)

"Reading," he replied wearily. Afton snorted.

"What kind of fourteen year old are you?" He demanded.

"Aro says I'm a fourteen year old that doesn't know how to behave," Alec replied. This didn't make much sense to Alec. He'd been positively angelic this week, not getting into a scrap of trouble or causing chaos and mayhem like he usually did. This was mostly due to the fact that Caius threatened to lock him in the cage again if he put a toe out of line.

Afton ignored him. "Whatever. Get up, we're going on a trip!" He looked so giddy and excited, like a kid on their birthday.

Alec didn't get a chance to argue. Felix had him whisked up, through the castle and deposited into his, ahem, "_Pimpmobile_" (cue eye role) beside Santiago and Demetri in the blink of an eye.

None of them would tell the poor child where they were going for the entire long trip. And when they neared their destination Demetri threw his jacket over Alec's eyes to blind him. Alec was steered by his shoulders into a building that was so loud it nearly deafened him. He could hear hoots and hollers from lots of vampires. Male vampires. As well there was music so loud it shook the floor. He could smell blood mixed with alcohol.

Alec squirmed under Afton's grasp.

"Where are we?" He asked, slightly nervous. Demetri whipped his jacket away and Alec's jaw dropped.

A few years ago, an entrepreneur was changed into a vampire. Said vampire had had a huge, very successful company as a human being, which he'd had to abandon once he became immortal. But his business mind had become more enhanced and more determined than ever. He'd purchased a huge building in Rome, which he'd separated into two sections; one section was a bar, and one a strip club. It was, predictably, named "BloodLust." And to say it was a successful enterprise would be an understatement.

The Volturi had taken Alec into the strip club part of the building. His eyes widened as he took in the female dancers swirling around poles like seductive snakes. Two of them sauntered over to the Volturi, who instantly began salivating over the large-breasted women. Alec's jaw almost hit the floor.

Santiago bounced up and down and hit him in the arm, but he barely noticed. "Welcome to your education," he said eagerly.

One was yellow-blonde with a hot double D rack. She was wearing a sparkly red thong, towering heels and nothing else. For something resembling decency, she stuck two red loveheart stickers over her tits. Alec's unnaturally wide eyes couldn't seem to lift from her ample chest. Afton reached down and tilted the boy's head upwards, smirking. The first stripper giggled.

"Awh, he's adorable," the second one cooed. She clucked Alec under the chin, while the blonde stripper gestured across the room. Two more strutted across the room to join them. The adult Volturi got their fair bit of attention too, but Alec was instantly whisked away by the females who claimed that he was "the cutest thing since gift-wrapped condoms".

"There we go!" Santiago declared cheerfully, dusting his hands together as if he'd endured a hard day's work.

"Er, should we be concerned that they've disappeared?" Afton asked. For indeed, they had vanished. Alec, and four half-naked strippers, were gone.

To anyone else, this would be a cause for alarm. But for our dear Volturi and all their troubled thoughts, this was a perfectly acceptable occurance.

"Naw," Felix grinned, flapping his hand in dismissal. "Aro asked us to _inform_ Alec about certain Facts of Life. Well, we've found a way to do just what he asked." Just then, his eyes wandered to a passing redhead, and venom pooled on his lolling tongue. "While keeping ourselves amused, too, of course."

vVv

"T-Time to go home, I think," Demetri stammered, looking quite the mess. He put the term 'sex hair' to shame with his ruffled locks, his fly was rather obscenely undone, and his shirt was half in-half out of his pants.

"Yes. I don't think my wife is going to appreciate the fact that I spent the majority of the night surrounded by frisky strippers," Afton half-fretted, a little too frazzled by the frisky strippers in question to be properly worried by his wife's impending wrath.

"Alright," Felix chuckled, yanking Santiago away from a tasty-looking brunette in fishnets and little else. Santiago pouted dejectedly as Felix straightened him up and dusted him down.

"Do we have to go home already?" Santiago whined, watching as his new friend shook her head and walked away with a smile.

"San, it's four in the morning," Felix smirked, patting the shorter vampire on the head. Santiago's eyes narrowed.

"Okay, let's head home then," Afton sighed, fishing through his pockets for the car keys as they made their way through the crowds to the door.

"Wait! Where's Alec?" Demetri yelped suddenly, his eyes widening in realisation.

"I-I thought he was with you!" Afton stuttered, pointing a shaking finger at Santiago.

"Me? Why would he be with _me_? I was getting...erm...nevermind."

Felix gave a groan of exasperation. "Well he wasn't with me!"

The four supposedly _mature_ and _responsible_ males of the Volturi stared at eachother for one long, horrorstruck minute before Demetri was tapped on the shoulder.

"I believe this is yours," Sal announced, pushing Alec in their direction. Sal was the head barman of the joint (the percentage of bloodbank robberies and mysteriously disappearing drunks had increased heartily since the opening of the establishment), and was good at keeping an eye on proceedings. If something was lost, he'd keep it behind the bar until i was reclaimed, or (as a minorly-skilled tracker), hunt down the owner if he knew who they were. In this case, Sal had thought that it was quite important to return _this_ little item to the Volturi.

"_Yes_!" Santiago yelped delightedly, grabbing Alec and whisking him up into an enthusiastic hugfest.

Alec was in worse shape than Demetri (which was _really_ saying something!). His hair was tousled beyond help, and his belt was missing. His shirt was half-open, the front spattered with blood and buttoned wrong, and the collar stained with various pink and red lipstick shades. He was trembling with a blissfully dazed look on his face.

If the boy was human, it would be appropriate to state that he was completely and utterly shitfaced.

"Oh Jesus," Afton muttered.

vVv

Bless their hearts, Alec's paniced comerades tried their best to straighten him up before they arrived home. They buttoned him up correctly, zipped Santiago's jacket up over him to cover the stains, strapped Demetri's belt around his waist, and wrenched a suspicious comb through his hair until it was somewhat presentable (why was the comb suspicious, you ask? Well, how else would one describe an almost toothless comb found lying in the streets on the way out of the club?).

Alas, the half-stoned look on the child's face could not be fixed, and there was nothing to do but pray that they could smuggle him up to his bedroom before anyone came across him.

"Alright, let's go!" Demetri hissed, giving the all-clear as the five of them dashed out of the parking garage in the dark.

Unfortunately, thanks to nerves and over-enthusiastic stripping vampire women, Demetri was not in the right frame of mind and soon discovered that _all-clear_ was probably the opposite of correct.

"Where have you been?" Chelsea demanded, popping up out of seemingly nowhere with little Jane at her side.

"..."

Jane's eyes narrowed as she scrutinized her brother's less-than-proper appearance.

"Alec?"

Four pairs of eyes widened as Alec's head lifted and he smiled stupidly at the suspicious face of his sister.

"Yup."

"Are you..._drunk_?"

Alec snorted in a rather retarded fashion, still grinning like the Cheshire cat, and gave her an overly-enthusiastic shove. "_Noooo_! S...S...Silly Jane!"

His shove sent his smaller twin crashing against the wall, mouth open in shock.

Chelsea's eyes bugged out of her head. "Why the _hell_ is he _drunk_?"

Alec grinned widely, looking proud. "Cawse the shtrippers gave me shome drinks," he slurred. Demetri managed a somewhat digified facepalm.

"_Strippers_?" Chelsea screamed. Jane looked shocked beyond words, and Alec somehow decided that this would be an appropriate time to give her a huge hug, lifting the poor girl right off her feet and swinging her back and forth.

"Awh, I lurf you, Janie."

"Put. Me. DOWN!"

"What's going on here?" Aro called. The males paled further, if that's even possible.

"_Weeeell_..." Santiago wheedled, edging away. "We're gonna go..."

"What. _Strippers..._?" Chelsea hissed, glaring daggers at her husband.

As Aro rounded the corner, he caught the scrambling chaos of his Guard members fleeing the scene like a herd of mad sheep, tripping and stumbling over one another in their frenzied panic. He could still hear the hollers and screams, even when they'd disappeared halfway across the castle.

"Aaaaawh! Look how _shmall_ she isss!" Alec crowed, hugging Jane all the tighter, releasing one arm so he could pat her on the head. Chelsea now looked rather worried – not that you could really blame the poor dear.

"_Let_. _Go_. _Of_. _Me_," Jane hissed dangerously. Alec was oblivous to his sister's tamper. In fact, he was oblivious to just about everything besides the round golden buttons on Aro's jacket. Ooh, how shiny...

"Alec? What on earth is the matter with you?" Aro questioned worriedly, wrinkling his nose. The younger vampire grinned up at him, swaying a little.

"Nuffin'," he said, releasing his struggling sister with a wide, silly smile. Aro's brow furrowed suspiciously, and with a grimace, he held out his hands and beckoned Alec, requesting access to the poor boy's thoughts.

And, _of course_, Alec completely misunderstood.

With a gasp of delight, he attempted to slap his palm against Aro's in a clumsy high-five. However, his hand sailed past Aro's without their skin so much as touching, and Alec stumbled forward and crashed into Aro's chest, caught off balance.

Aro blinked rapidly as Alec gave a frighteningly femenine giggle, and took the oppertunity to place his palm against the back of Alec's neck and read his thoughts.

vVv

"We're fucked. We are fucked. We are _so_ fucked," Santiago chanted, wringing the sleeves of his shirt out anxiously.

"My wife is going to kill me," Afton moaned, burying his face in his hands.

"Please," Felix scoffed. "She won't _kill_ you. You won't get laid for the next millenium, but she won't _kill_ you."

"_Demetri! Afton! Santiago! Felix! My office – NOW!_"Aro roared from some distant area of the castle.

Cue the terrified silence.

"So..." Demetri said slowly, raking his hands through the mop of his hair as he addressed the wide-eyed faces of his companions. "Mexico?"

**Oh, the poor boys. I do love to torture them.**

**Don't worry, Aro didn't punish them TOO badly. But Afton did develop the charming and intelligent nickname of "He-Who-Will-Not-Be-Laid."**


End file.
